I'm writing this shit even though i have to pee really bad. so bad that i'm crossing my legs. i'm dripping from the tip of my dick. but that's ok. i always make it. if not, i just pissed myself. 

my hands always shake when i write. my head can't turn off, sometimes i think about going to walmart and buying one of those 9 inch blades and stabbing myself in the chest. but i'm a big pussy. i would overdose before piercing my skin. 

i always think about death. sometimes i think earth is hell. i remember my dad telling me that heaven wasn't on earth, it's after death. so maybe if i die i can go to heaven sooner. i've always thought that. what's the point of being here if life after death is sooooooo much better?


donald trump is the answer. he will solve my problems, i know it. he is the answer to all my prayers. he can't be stopped. after all, hilary is not the best to represent america. trump screams the american way. greed and never ending thirst for money. everyone bitches and complains about him being our new president but deep down, every american is just like that fuck face. always wanting more. always want to be in power. any person that tells you they don't care about money is fucking bullshit. i remember 3 or 4 years ago i told myself i was going to be homeless and hitchhike across a country. i really didn't give a fuck about money then. canadians are much calmer people. they aren't as fucked as americans. but that's why america is #1. we are so fucked up in the head, we DESERVE attention. we put on a show for the rest of the world to see. every super model that posts their tits on instagram is just as hungry for attention as donald trump is to be president. don't get it twisted. if you don't like it, get the fuck out. most people want to play stupid like americans actually are good people, fuck that. you want to see a good person, go to a 3rd world country and visit a deserted town of poor people. money is the root of all evil. but that's why we crave it, we here cause we have nothing better to do. you can either kill yourself or play the game. 

i still got to piss. but not as much now. it's  going back into my body. i sometimes wonder if my mom ever reads this shit. they told me that once i supported myself i could do whatever i wanted, so i guess everything worked out. i never wanted to be told what to do when i was growing up. my parents really didn't teach me what making money was all about. my grandma really fucked me up with all her religious shit. it makes sense that she lives out of her mini van reading a bible all day. i love her more than anyone, but she is really off the grid. not as delusional as i am though. 

i just got my wisdom tooth pulled out the other day. it sucked dick but the nurse was hot. she had the greatest smile and while they shot 3 massive needles into my gums, i just thought about her smile. it was so comforting. but i felt bad for her too. why did she want to watch kids get there teeth pulled out all day? was that really what she wanted to do? i don't fucking know, but her smile was flawless. she never stopped smiling. so i only got one tooth pulled out but that was enough to know how fucked up the process is. a 40 something year old white dude with thick hairy fingers sticked surgical tools down your mouth scraping away the gums with a scalpel and blinding lights in your face. they gave me some headphones and i listened to the bee gees. but that didn't help. my mom even paid the extra $100 for nitrous gas. that didn't do much either. i felt bad and was in excruciating pain. it ended up being one of my worst days in a long time. i get really angry when my mom goes out of her way for me. i love my mom, but i just don't know how to accept her love. she has a huge heart and i push her out the way when she opens up to me. she surprised me the other day by sending $40 to my bank account with out telling me. i was furious, i almost cursed her out. i just want to do it all myself. theres a monster in me that wants nothing to do with my family. but every time I'm with them i feel better. isolation will destroy anyone. i'm nearly finished with the 30 pain killers my dentist gave me. it's been less than a week. it makes your head really foggy and everything goes numb. feels great. 

i've been eating chocolate pudding and jello everyday. it's nice and reminds me of being a irresponsible kid again, but i also haven't shit in 3 days because of it. there's no food in my stomach. which reminds me, i'm getting pretty fat again. i haven't worked out in probably 3 months. i go on runs now and then but people that run the trail by my house are usually old white rich people, and it makes me even more depressed. 

i'm 23 years old and i've never shot a gun in my life. just the other day my good friend took me out to shoot his rifle, pistol, and AR-15. it was a lot louder than i thought it'd be. guns are fucking powerful, i can see how people become obsessed. i have horrible aim and can't keep one eye closed to save my life. every time i would try and look through the scope, my opposite eye would stay open and the eye looking through the peep hole would stay closed. it was fucked. luckily my friend is very patient. it also didn't help that i have the shivers so my hands are naturally very shaky. i also just ate an edible so it was all fucked up. but i didn't kill myself so it's all good. 

if i was president i would make college free and put politicians through music school and make the greatest orchestra ever known to man. i would have grand ballrooms all across the world that would showcase the United States of America Rainbow Gubble Smosh Band. Tickets would be free and pizza would be passed out throughout the entire crowd. I would  bring Jimi Hendrix and 2 pac back to life and have them duet as the opening act. Jackson pollock and mark rothko would interpret the music through live paintings for the deaf people in the crowd. Jesus would dance on glasses of champagne and pass them out to the public. When the concert was over everyone would party aboard the Trans-45 Digi Splock Train cross the entire country till the sun went down. 

Got to go pee now.