i'm shitting blood still. i have hemroids, so i stopped eating all together. my parents just want me to be happy, but ill never be happy. i can't accept it. everyday i want to give in, but i won't. you can't stop me. this shit never burns out. i wake up and remind myself of bukowski:

"If you're going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don't even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery--isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you'll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you're going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It's the only good fight there is.”

THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. no compromise. all or nothing. save nothing for anyone or anything, just keep going. keep pushing. happiness is easy. everyone is happy. i know exactly what i would do to get happy. find a girlfriend, get a 9-5, and go to church on sundays. fuck that. i left the most beautiful girl to do this shit. it's all or nothing. people just want me to settle, but fuck the standard. you have to push the limits if you want to be great. i push everyone out of life and people think i'm a dick, yes, i am. that's me, get over it. you don't like it, goodbye. the only thing i value is my freedom, fuck everything else. i've been caged twice and i will never go back to jail. for all those who want to be a musician, painter, actor, mommy, daddy, good friend, you're wack. you're mediocre. you want to be everything for everyone else. be GREAT at one thing and go all in. throw your dick on the table and let it all hang out. there's no going back. you can't be a GREAT father and GREAT artist. you pick one. why do you think the billionaires and CEO's are the worst husbands? because there's only so much time in the day and they can't do it all. i've lost most of my friends and have abandoned the closest people to me. but isolation is the gift. isolation is god. tune out the world and create your own world. all or nothing.