#5

I went to the strip club for the first time at 18. I ran away from my home in California and bought a one way ticket to Bangkok. there are a lot of whores in Thailand. luckily I was good goody Christian boy who wasn't into whores. im not sure why I flew all the way to Thailand just to party, but I did. I lived off $500 and quit my job as a busser for an Italian jock. when I told my mom I was leaving, she cried and didn't talk to me for a week. I told my friend from church and he questioned me, "is that god's plan?" what a fucking guilt trip. of course it wasn't god's plan, I just wanted out. maybe that's why i'm so fucked up now. I left the good to see the bad, but, i'm still encouraging of these bad things. I got jumped one time by a 30 year old. he should've just killed me. he was an alcoholic with no train of thought, sort of what I've turned into. sometimes I wish my family was fucked up, that way I could have an excuse for all this bullshit. but my family is fucking awesome. god is the way. I wish I could accept it. maybe someday. maybe today. i'm pretty tipsy right now actually. but i'm able to type at a million miles an hour. these words are just flowing. I get a lot of shit for putting a password lock on my blogs. guess what, I have an 11 year old sister whom I don't want reading this shit you dumb fucks. fuck you, all of you that read this. you're all shit heads. if you're reading this, you have no fucking life. fuck you, go do something. get going and help people. go be of service. be like jesus. I see the stats to my blog and notice that hundreds of you read this shit. that's some sad shit. I bitch more then anyone I know, yet, people want to read it? I don't get it. people like reading this more then they like my art. that's fucked up. I should start charging people to read this considering they won't pay for the shit I actually work hard on. I watched tv for the first time the other day, the new York housewives. before I rant about the bullshit, I will say they have some totally hot, soon to be milfs, on that show. all those women would be great actresses, they are the perfect victims for Hollywood. clueless and mediocre. but people like that, kardashians are now a brand. people will pay to watch that shit show. maybe I should start one. boy do I have some craziness to show the world. this is good enough for me. this is my diary. I take bloody shits on this. I let it hang out and everyone wants a peek. I went to Thailand a happy Christian boy. I didn't know what I was getting myself into, but I left. I thought I would teach English somehow. thinking back, I should've bought a fucking fake degree... khao san road. you can buy anything there, including lady boys and edible scorpians. I met a polish horn dog named artur. he talked like borat and I laughed everytime he spoke. he invited to a beach town full of Russians called pataya. we shared a bed in a hotel for $50. we went out to the beach and invited an indian girl with a nice rack. she was totally into me then, but I was a big pussy. I had a cage around my penis. we took some awesome pictures but that's about it. I didn't even drink a fucking beer. I was soft. god was present. that night was a nightmare. we went out and I got drunk off $2 40's. if you go to Thailand and your white, be sure to have the best time of your life. you will get the best treatment of your life. no girl will want you so bad as a thai girl wants you. she'll do anything for your attention. ANYTHING!! i'm definitely not speaking from experience though. I saw it, but didn't live it. I went to my first strip club and was completely taken back. they immediately gave me a shot and put a menu in front of me. the girls looked sad and hopeless. it almost felt like I was the make it or break it. they had womenimmediately come sit next to me and start touching me. mind you, I don't speak thai and had no idea what was going on. it just happened. I learned immediately, MONEY IS EVERYTHING! people care so much about money. they will fucking kill and swallow for your cash. men will cut there dicks off to be a women, children will suck your dick to provide for their families. most of you know nothing outside of the comfort of your home. I get it. it's safe and warm, but that's not reality. it's all about money. I couldn't accept that for the longest time. if I were a women, i'd be the biggest whore. I lost any sense of feelings. you can say I sold my soul but it's all an illusion. I've seen enough to traumatize any normal person, and that's what people don't get. when you've seen the other side, you can no longer be comfortable. you can't accept certain things when you've crossed the line. people always ask me how I left, how I had money, how I traveled and left home, but home is where you fucking make it! i'm homeless most of the time, but I deal with it. I treat this white page like therapy. I treat a white canvas like therapy. I don't give a fuck who you are, your words mean nothing. words mean nothing. your actions speak. for those who "like" my art, fuck you. I love my art, I don't need people telling me stuff I already know. if you really fucking cared, you'd pay the price. you'd put your words to use and be honest. but most people aren't. they keep their secrets and live in this "idea" that everything is ok. your worthless. you have huge saving's only to retire a miserable fuck. you chase the American dream for what? to be happy?? fuck that. i rather be dead then be a spokesmen for the comfortable people of America, aka, Obama. get the fuck out. go do something with your life. you want all the accessories for what?? i hate talking like this, but it just comes out. i'm angry. there's so much bullshit everywhere, but people want to assume that it's ok. however, this will be the death of me. i already know it. everyday feels like the last. i just want out. everyone is scared, no one is true. NO ONE. it's all talk. but maybe that's what life is about. a big fucking joke. i should take things less serious. but i have a sick sense of humor, even that freaks people out. a big dick in your mom's mouth. how's that sound. i guarantee you felt uncomfortable reading that. but guess what, your mother, your father, your sister and your brother, they're all human. there's nothing special. you assign meaning and are thankful, but they are fucks ups like everyone else. i read something by bukowski recently, something like "animals never worry about heaven or hell." as for me, that's all i think about, it's some deep subconscious shit. that's why i drink, that's why i do drugs, that's why i fuck strippers, because I've become numb. i just don't care to think about the consequences anymore. if god's love is unconditional, why send ANYONE to hell??? it's unconditional!! it's all a joke, just like this blog. just like my art. just like your life. my words mean nothing, don't take me too serious. i'm just rambling, i love you and i hate you. i want to fuck you and kill you. but it's ok cause these are just made up words with no meaning and the truth is there is no truth so don't read this blog ever again and go live your happy life because life is beautiful and stress is bad. be a good person and don't talk to strangers. never give a stripper your money. be a nice person, but don't trust the devil. i love you

Jesus is cuming

Jesus is cuming